


Come Back To Me

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-02-27 06:39:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18733654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: [Sequel to Between You & Me:  https://archiveofourown.org/works/17842202]When Jess fell in love with her father’s enemy, she never imagined that she’d end up leaving her home and having his child, especially with Negan’s blessing.  Her life with Rick in Alexandria is everything she hoped it would be, and her daughter has brought the communities together, forcing them to live in peace as they look to the future.  But, when Rick goes missing, Jess’ world falls apart.  Will her family ever be complete again?  Or has the man she loves gone for good?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was commissioned by the very, very lovely @riickgrimes on Tumblr who has put her faith in me to write a follow-up to Between You & Me. You don’t necessarily have to read that one first, but it would probably help. This fic’s set around two years later and Jess is well overdue a little angst in her life. Thank you for taking the time to check it out and I hope you enjoy!

‘Goddammit!’  Jess lunged across the kitchen towards the oven, tugging it open and cursing when dark smoke spilled out onto the tiled floor.  Folding a towel several times, she used it to reach inside and retrieve the tray, shaking her head as she took in the blackened state of the cookies she’d spent the afternoon baking.  They were ruined, definitely inedible, and she felt her heart sink just a little.  They were her daughter’s favourites, and Rick’s.  He was supposed to coming home today after spending some time down at the bridge construction site and she’d wanted to surprise him with a treat, present them after dinner and watch him enjoy them.  He had such a sweet tooth, she’d discovered, more than he’d ever admit, and it gave her pleasure to indulge it every once in a while.

That was when she caught herself and scoffed.  It was a sure sign that her had world had grown infinitely better that she was getting upset by a few burnt baked goods.  There was a time, not so long ago, when she’d been deeply unhappy, afraid for her father as he resorted to increasingly extreme and violent measures to keep his people and the communities they controlled in line, wary of a world in which each and every survivor seemed to be on the brink of war, and stuck hiding her relationship with the man she loved because it was him that was leading the rebellion.  When she’d gotten pregnant, it had seemed like things may become even worse, that maybe she might actually lose everything, but to her surprise, it had been that that had turned things around for them all.  She should’ve known really that Negan wouldn’t be able to continue in his bid to enforce the new world order, not if it meant missing out on forging a bond with his granddaughter.  And she should’ve known that Rick would stand down, let old grudges rest in the past, to make her happy.  It had been touch and go for a while, but it had all worked out, and now the communities that had been at each others’ throats were working together to rebuild a world that existed deep in their collective memories.  A few charcoal cookies weren’t about to bring that crashing down and, with that thought, she tossed them into the trash and moved on.

Crossing the kitchen, Jess stuck her head around the living room door to see her daughter, Elliot, legs akimbo, in the middle of the floor, tongue poking out of the side of her mouth as she leaned over a sheet of paper, concentrating intently on her latest masterpiece, a crayon clutched in her chubby hand.  She was singing to herself, no real words, just nonsense spilling out to a wavering tune, and Jess couldn’t help but smile.  WIth her chocolate curls and blue eyes, she was the perfect mix of both of them, and she brought her more happiness than she’d ever thought possible.

‘Hey, El,’ she called, pulling her attention away from the drawing and receiving a dramatic frown in return.  ‘Take a look out the window for me and see if Daddy’s coming.  He should be home soon!’

‘Daddy!’  The frown shifted into a toothy grin as her daughter clambered to her feet and raced across the room, climbing onto the couch so she could peer out onto the street.  

‘Can you see him?’

‘Nope.’  She shook her head without looking round, curls bouncing.  Jess knew she’d remain there now until Rick came into view.

‘Alright, well you let me know just as soon as you can, baby.’

‘I will.’

In a small way, Elliot’s enthusiasm at Rick’s return tugged at Jess’ heart.  As she returned to the kitchen, busying herself preparing dinner, she tried to work out just how many nights her partner had actually spent at home over the past few months.  A handful, maybe, with a few fleeting trips back in between.  He was at the helm of the efforts to rebuild the infrastructure that would make trade between the communities safer and easier, but with that came a lot of travel, to the other groups and to the projects currently in play, checking on supplies and labour, and keeping morale up when the hard work became a grind.  He was good at what he did, a natural leader, and she loved him for it, endlessly and completely, but she missed him when he was away, and she knew their daughter did too.

The back door swung open, making Jess jump, and Carl chuckled at her reaction as he headed for the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a long drink.  ‘Dad back yet?’

‘Not yet,’ she told him.  ‘Shouldn’t be long though.  El’s keeping an eye out for me.’

‘Need me to go and get Judith from Aaron’s?’

‘Oh.’  Her eyes flicked to the watch on her wrist and then back to Carl, nodding gratefully.  ‘Would you?  I completely lost track of time.’

‘Of course.’  Another sip of his drink and then he was gone again, long legs carrying him down the back steps and across the garden.  The bottle of water remained out on the side, and she sighed as she replaced the lid and slipped it back into the fridge with a roll of her eyes.  In some ways her step-son was a typical teenager, and she felt as if she spent her whole life cleaning up after the three kids that dominated her days.  But, in other ways, he was a sensible boy, kind and strong, and she knew that he made things much easier on her with his willingness to help out with his younger siblings.

She was just chopping vegetables to put on to boil when the radio that sat on the dresser crackled into life.  At first it was just white noise, and then her father’s voice came over the line.

‘Hey, Jess, you there?  Over.’

Abandoning her task, she strode towards it and snatched it up, running a hand through her hair as she replied.  ‘I’m here, Dad.  How’s it going? Over.’

‘All good, baby girl, all good.  Just wanted to check we’re still on for dinner tomorrow?’

‘Of course.’  Their monthly family dinners were something that Jess always looked forward to, and it was the reason that Rick was finally coming home.  He knew how important they were to her, and she stockpiled supplies to ensure that she could offer up a decent meal.  ‘What time you thinking of getting in?’

‘I’ll leave at first light.  Should be with you mid-afternoon if all goes to plan.’

‘Sounds good, Daddy.’

‘How’s my favourite girl?’

Jess smirked.  ‘I’m fine.’

‘Well, that’s good to hear, sweetheart, but I meant that beautiful granddaughter of mine.’

‘She’s good, Dad.  She’s spent the afternoon drawing you a picture.’

She heard him laugh and knew he was most likely looking for a free patch of wall in his office amongst the gallery of Elliot’s drawings that he had on display.  ‘You let her know that I can’t wait to see it, alright?’

‘I’ll tell her.  Travel safe, okay?’

‘Always.  You take care, doll.  I’ll see you soon.  Over and out.’

Resuming her chopping, tiredness creeping over her, Jess let out a quiet hum of contentment.  Sometimes her life felt crazy, never a moment of peace, but it also felt incredibly full.  She spent her time surrounded by family, and that night her little unit would be complete once again with Rick back at their table.  Her heart began to race as she imagined how good it would feel for him to wrap her up in his arms and whisper that he’d missed her.  She couldn’t wait.

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, dinner was still waiting to be cooked, and Jess was watching at the window with her daughter.  Carl was slumped in the armchair, drumming his fingers restlessly on his knee, and Judith was impatiently asking where her daddy was, over and over.  Darkness had fallen, and Jess’ stomach had tied itself in knots as the seconds ticked by and still Rick didn’t come.  When Judith began to cry and Carl slid to his knees beside her, always the doting big brother, she realised she couldn’t just sit there anymore.

‘Alright, I’m gonna run down to the gate and see if they’ve heard anything.’  She was already pulling on her boots, sliding her arms into her jacket as Carl fixed her with a knowing look.  He was worried, she could tell.

‘You want me to go?’

‘No, it’s okay.  You watch the girls for me.  I won’t be long.’

Leaving the house, she sucked in greedy lungfuls of fresh air, letting it soothe her fraught nerves.  She’d been trying to stay strong, keep a brave face on for the sake of the kids, and only Carl had been able to see through it, but now that she was alone, she found that her hands were shaking.  It wasn’t like Rick to be late like this, not without finding some way to send word, and she felt sick at the thought that something might have happened to him.  Maybe he’d gotten hurt and the message hadn’t reached her, or maybe something had gone wrong at the bridge and he hadn’t had time to let anybody know.  It was easy to get complacent with the Safe Zone’s walls keeping the undead out, but it was still a dangerous world out there and people still died.

She found Rosita on watch, staring out into the gloom, and climbed the ladder to her side, squinting down the road in the hopes of making out a lone figure riding back to her.  But there was nothing.

‘Have you heard anything from Rick?’  

‘No.’  She shook her head.  ‘It’s all been quiet.  I’m sorry.’

‘You sure that thing’s working?’

Jess could feel the other woman’s hostility radiating from her as she pulled the walkie talkie from her belt, holding the button down and requesting that those listening confirmed that they could hear her.  She knew that she was still regarded with suspicion by some, that her father’s crimes hadn’t been so easily forgiven by all, but she grit her teeth and waited.  And waited.

‘Guess not,’ Rosita finally deduced with a shrug.  ‘I’ll get Eugene on it when he gets back.’

‘Look, Rick was supposed to come home tonight.  He’s late, like, hours late, and I don’t know what to do.  Is there any way-’

‘Oh, the man you love hasn’t made it home for dinner?’  Her eyes narrowed and Jess’ fingers itched to wipe the look from her face.  ‘I wonder how that feels.  Look, if you knew Rick Grimes like I know Rick Grimes, you’d know that he’ll be out there somewhere doing what needs to be done.  He’ll come home when he’s ready.’

‘Wanna try explaining that to his kids?’ Jess bit out.  ‘Rosita, I know you hate me but I feel like something’s really wrong, okay?  This isn’t like him.’

‘Well, there’s nothing I can do if the comms are down.’  She shrugged.  ‘Go home and wait it out, Jess, alright?  I’ll send someone to find you if I hear anything.’

She walked home in a daze, every part of her feeling numb.  Rosita’s attitude hadn’t helped, only increasing Jess’ sense of doom.  Something had happened, she just knew it, but instead of desolation, she couldn’t feel a thing.  

Carl glanced up as she slipped back into the house, but a small shake of her head was all it took, and then he went back to the book he was reading to his sisters, one tucked under each arm on the couch.  It would have been a perfect picture if their dad had been there to see it too.

Wandering through into the kitchen, Jess headed straight for the radio, lifting it to her lips, her voice pleading.  ‘Dad?  Daddy, are you there?  Daddy, I need you.’  

But there was only silence.

 

* * *

 

The knock at the door the following morning stirred Jess from where she’d drifted off on the couch in the early hours, having sent the kids to bed sometime just before midnight.  Her heart leapt with hope as the events of the night before came surging back, and she scrambled upright, flying across the room to wrench it open, but it wasn’t Rick’s face that greeted her.

Daryl stood there, head bowed, tugging on his fingers as he hid behind his curtain of hair.  When he finally looked up to meet her gaze, she could see that his eyes were red and puffy with tears, and she swallowed hard as she stepped back to let him in.

‘Daryl-’

‘M’sorry, Jess.’  He didn’t need to say any more.  She could hear it in his tone, feel it in the sadness that radiated from him, and she sank back onto the couch cushions as the air left her body.  

‘What happened?’

‘We don’t know exactly.  Think he got hurt somewhere out on the road, herd picked up the scent.  He was tryin’ to get back here from what we can tell.’

‘I-is he…’  She tailed off, unable to say the words.

‘We caught up with him at the bridge but there were too many of ‘em.  He… He knew that they’d raze this place to the ground.  He did it to save everyone, to save his family.’

‘What?  What did he do?’

‘Blew the thing all to hell.  Tower of flames like I ain’t ever seen before.  He was on the bridge when it went up ‘n’ we couldn’t find him after that.  I looked, Jess, I swear.  Walked the river bank for hours tryin’ to find some sign of him but he’s just… gone.’

‘How can he just be gone?’  She climbed to her feet once more, pacing towards him, clutching the lapels of his vest in her hands as she pleaded with him.  ‘How?  That’s not possible.  We have to bring him back, we have t- have to bury him, for the kids.’

‘Ain’t nothin’ to bury, Jess.  M’sorry.’

That was when her legs gave way and her body began to shake with heaving, choking sobs.  She felt Daryl’s arms wrap around her, holding her upright, attempting to offer some sort of comfort, and a detached part of her brain thought how strange it was that he’d care.  Like Rosita, he’d found it hard to trust her after what her father had done, but now he was holding her like his life depended on it, and she realised that it was grief that had united them.  She pulled away.

‘The kids.  I have to tell them, Carl and Judy and, oh God, Elliot.  They need to know.  I have to- have to…’  She tailed off as she broke down again, and Daryl ushered her over to the couch so she could curl herself up into a ball and weep.

‘S’alright, Jess.  S’gonna be alright.’

But it wouldn’t.  Nothing would ever be alright again.


	2. Chapter 2

‘Where the hell have you been?’  Jess had launched her assault as soon as she yanked open the door, and, balanced on her hip, Elliot started to cry.  ‘Do you know what time it is?  We were expecting you hours ago!’

‘Shit, sweetheart, I’m sorry.’  Negan stepped over the threshold, wrapping a long arm around his daughter’s shoulders as he shot Carl a questioning look, receiving raised brows and a shrug from Rick’s eldest.  ‘Had a bit of a hold up back home so I left a little bit later than I’d planned.  I would’ve let you know but the comms went down about a half hour after we spoke yesterday.  Didn’t realise you’d get yourself so worked up waiting for me.’

‘I’m not worked up,’ Jess snapped, though, of course, she was.  Daryl had sat with her the previous evening until she’d managed to pull herself together.  It had taken a long time for the tears to stop, and then they’d burst forth all over again when she’d had to sit down with the kids and tell them the news.  The little girls didn’t really understand what was happening, particularly Elliot who was still so young, and Carl had steadfastly refused to believe that his father was gone.

‘They didn’t find his body,’ he’d pointed out, repeatedly.  ‘If they didn’t find his body, then there’s a chance he’s still alive out there.’

‘Carl,’ she’d tried to reason with him.  ‘From what Daryl said there’s just no way he could’ve survived a blast like that.’

‘You’re giving up on him?’

‘Of course not, but-‘

‘No.  No, I won’t believe it, not until I see proof.  If there’s no proof then he’s not dead, okay?  He’s just not.’

In the end it had been easier just to go along with it, though she knew it was only storing up pain for later.  It was hard enough for her to wrap her own head around it, let alone having to fight to get the stubborn teenager to accept it too.

 _Just keep going_ , she’d told herself,  _hold it together just a little while longer.  Until Dad gets here.  When Dad gets here everything will be better._

And then Negan had been late, and the long hours spent waiting, expecting him only to be disappointed, had felt far too familiar, and the knot in her stomach had tightened until she couldn’t breathe.  She’d positioned herself in the armchair, Elliot in her lap despite her protestations that she wanted to be released to play with Judith, and watched the street outside, afraid to move in case she might shatter into pieces.  When Carl had emerged from his room and begun to make noises about heading out to search, it had been the last straw and she’d snarled at him through gritted teeth.  ‘If you want to make yourself useful, get the girls some lunch.’

To give him his due, he had done, and he’d been tiptoeing around her ever since, as keen, she was sure, for Negan to arrive and take over as she was.

Now, her father’s eyes were boring into her as he peered down at her face, and she felt her bottom lip begin to tremble.  ‘C’mon, sweetheart, why don’t you come and sit down with me and tell me what the hell’s going on, okay?

Taking his granddaughter from her arms, Negan guided Jess towards the couch with one hand at the small of her back and she sank down onto it gratefully, relieved that at last there was another adult to take charge, to take some of the pressure away.

‘It’s Rick, Dad.  There was… They said…’  She took a deep breath, swallowing hard before she spoke again.  ‘He didn’t come home last night.  We waited for hours and there was no sign, and the radios weren’t working, and I didn’t know what the hell was going on.’

‘Oh, princess.  I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about.  He probably just got held up out there like I did.’

‘No.’  Jess shook her head.  ‘No, it’s… No.  There was an explosion down at the bridge they’ve all been working on.  D-Daryl said i-it was a herd, that they were headed this way and Rick blew the bridge to stop- to stop them from getting here.  He said he was on the bridge when it happened, Dad, Rick was.  H-he’s not coming back.  He’s… They said he’s…’

She couldn’t bring herself to say the word, could hardly bear to think it, and then her father was pulling her into his side so she could bury her face in the soft leather of his jacket and sob.  She could feel Elliot’s chubby hands pulling at her hair, wondering what had made Mummy so sad, but she couldn’t look up, couldn’t do anything but fall apart for the moment.

‘I’m so sorry, doll,’ Negan was murmuring as he held her.  ‘I’m so so sorry.’

That was when Carl spoke up.  ‘He’s not dead.’

Jess stiffened.  ‘He is, Carl.  He has to be.  Why else wouldn’t he be here with us?’

‘What’s this?’ Negan asked, confused by her stepson’s bold statement.

Carl went on.  ‘They never found a body.  Daryl said he looked up and down the bank for miles and there was no sign of him.  Just smoking bits of the herd strewn about everywhere.  But not Dad.  He has to still be out there somewhere.  I was going to go out and look but-‘

‘No.’  Jess shut him down again.  ‘I told you no, okay?  Doesn’t this just drive home how dangerous it is out there?  Anything could happen!  This family can’t lose anyone else!’

‘But he could be hurt!  He could need our help!’

‘I said no!’

Silence followed, broken only by the slam of his door as he stormed upstairs.  Both girls started to cry as the hostile atmosphere broke into their childish oblivion and that set Jess off again too.  Everything was falling apart.

‘He’s in denial,’ Negan reassured her.  ‘Kid’s just lost his dad.  You’ve gotta give him a little time.’

‘I’m trying, Dad, I am.  But I can’t do this.  How am I supposed to raise three kids on my own?’

‘You’re not on your own, sweetheart.  I’ll be here, for as long as you need me.’

 

* * *

 

True to his word, Negan stayed.  At home, before, it had been Jess’ mom that had kept the household running: cooking and cleaning and making sure that everybody knew where they supposed to be when.  But to her surprise, her dad was better at it than she’d ever imagined.  Each night there was a hot dinner on the table which the kids bolted back with relish, though she usually only managed a mouthful or two before the lump in her throat made her feel sick and she had to push her plate away.  Judith was learning to read, and he’d sit with her most afternoons working through simple books that had been picked up on runs for the classroom.  Clean clothes appeared on Jess’ bed like clockwork, and it really didn’t seem to matter that she’d ceased to function.  Her father was doing it all and doing it far better than she would have been, which left her free to crumble.

Two weeks after the explosion, Eugene finally got the comms up and running again.  Jess had been in the kitchen doing dishes when the radio had crackled into life, and the plate she’d been scrubbing mindlessly for the past ten minutes fell to the floor and smashed as her muscles went limp.  Somewhere, mingled with the white noise, the deafening interference, was a voice; a voice she knew; a voice she’d recognise anywhere.  

‘Everything okay, sweetheart?’  Her Dad appeared in the doorway, drawn to her by the sound of breaking crockery, but she held up a hand to silence him and he froze.  

‘H-hello,’  _*crackle*_  ‘i-is anybody there? I n-need help.’  _*hiss*_  ‘Can anybody hear me?  C-Come in, over.’

She flew across the room, snatching up the walkie talkie and jabbing her finger down hard, her voice thick with tears.  ‘Rick?  Rick, is that you?  Hello?  Baby, hello?’

‘Err, Jess, is that you?’  The response came not from Rick, but from Eugene’s monotonous drone, and her wild eyes met her father’s as he took a step closer.  ‘Just confirming that the comms are back online.  Repeat, comms are back online.’

‘Wait, Eugene, did you hear that?  Before… Tell me you heard that!’

‘Heard what?’

‘A-a voice, there was a… It was Rick, Eugene, I’m sure of it.’

A beat, and then, ‘Err, sorry, Jess, but I’m afraid that I didn’t hear anything that might lead me to believe that our dearly departed leader might be trying to make contact.  I can only assume that grief mixed with exhaustion has caused your mind to-’

Negan took the device from her fingers before Eugene could finish, taking over as Jess sank into a chair, hands shaking as she wrung them together.  ‘Alright, that’s enough, Doctor Smartypants.  I’ll take it from here.  Over and out.’

The comms unit fell silent, and he dropped into a low crouch in front of her, large hands resting on her knees.  ‘Hey, you doing okay?’

‘You heard him, Daddy, didn’t you?’

‘I heard something.’

‘So, I’m not going crazy?’

‘No, sweetheart, you’re not going crazy.  But-’

‘He’s alive, Dad.  I heard him.  He’s out there somewhere and he needs help.  He needs me.  I have to find him.’

 

* * *

 

Negan had told her no.  Of course he had.  She had the kids to look after, and she was sick with grief.  It wouldn’t pay to have her wandering out into the wilds in that state.  Besides, Daryl was looking, he told her.  Daryl won’t give up.  But there were endless miles of forest out there, snaking country back roads and abandoned rundown towns.  It would be impossible for the archer to cover every square inch alone, and in the meantime, she was sitting staring at the four walls around her and losing her mind.  

After another sleepless night, Jess crawled out of bed at first light, throwing some supplies into a pack and creeping down the stairs.  By the front door, she paused to tug on her boots, reaching for the lock, determined to sneak out before the rest of her family woke, but a question spoken from the gloom of the living room halted her in her tracks.

‘Where are you going?’

It took a moment for her eyes to focus, and then she saw Carl, sitting cross-legged in the armchair, a comic book resting on his knee and a judgemental look on his face.

‘I didn’t think anybody would be up.’

‘I don’t sleep, not anymore.  So, where are you going?’

‘Where do you think?’  There’d been an edge to her voice that she hated, but she needed to get moving, to escape before anybody could tell her no once again.  ‘I’m going to find him, your Dad.  I can’t just sit here, Carl, okay?  I can’t do it anymore.’

‘You mean, like you keep telling me to do,’ he pointed out, shaking his head.  ‘If you’re going out there, I’m coming with you.’

‘No, Carl, I-’

‘You keep telling me how dangerous it is.  There’s no way I’m letting you go out there, not alone.  Not a chance.’

‘She won’t be alone.’  A deep voice from the top of the stairs had them both looking up, and Negan shot his daughter a kind smile as he descended towards them.  ‘I’m gonna need you to stay and look after your sisters, alright, kid?’

‘But it’s my dad!’

‘And I think he’d want you to grow up and be a man now, Carl.  That means doing what needs to be done.  And right now, we need you to keep the girls safe while I head out with my daughter, okay?’

‘Please, Carl,’ Jess added, and, outnumbered, he backed down, resigning himself to his fate.  ‘Alright, let’s go.’

‘Hold on just one second, princess.’ Her father’s hand landed on her shoulder, stopping her as she made to head out the door.  ‘I’m not going anywhere with you in your pyjamas.  It’s barely even light out yet.  There’s plenty of time for you to change.  I’ll wait.’

She hadn’t even noticed that she’d failed to get dressed.

 

* * *

 

The sun had been scorching as they made their way to the bridge, beating down on the tops of their heads, and Jess knew that later in the day the heat would become unbearable.  She actually felt better for being outside of Alexandria’s fences, a little freer, relieved at having the opportunity to actually do something and, as they’d walked in silence, the hope that had flickered to life in her heart that maybe, just maybe, she might actually find Rick alive flamed anew, adding a spring to her step, so that the miles seemed liked metres and the time flew by.

The shade of the forest when they left the road was welcoming and the trickles of sweat on Jess’ skin cooled.  Her hair clung to the back of her neck, and her shoulders were reddening, but the canopies overhead protected them from the worst of the glare.  It was mid-morning, and they’d barely spoken a word since they’d left the house, but Negan spoke now as they neared the site of the explosion.

‘Do we know which way Daryl went?’

She shrugged.  ‘Nope.’

‘So, it might pay to cut down to the bank from here then, start trailing the river back.  If he’s been camping out here he’s probably heading away from home, not towards it.’

Jess pressed on.  ‘We might be able to tell when we get there.’

‘Seems like a waste of time carrying on just to double back, doll.  Can’t tell me Daryl hasn’t already searched the area next to the bridge several times over.’

‘I need to see it.’

‘Jess-‘

‘I have to see it, Dad.’

He huffed, and she knew he was frustrated, wanting to protect her, to shield her from seeing what the others had seen.  But she didn’t want to be protected.  She wanted to gauge for herself whether her hope was misguided and she felt that only seeing the bridge would allow her to do that.

It was a wreck.  Breaking free from the treeline, Jess’ breath caught in her throat as she took in the blackened wood, the jagged ends where the blast had torn it to pieces. Dismembered corpses littered the banks, and the scent of explosive hung in the air.  It looked like a scene from one of the war films that her grandfather used to watch and she had to force herself to keep breathing, to stay in control as Negan watched on, concerned. In her mind, the question rang loud: How could Rick have possibly survived that?  She shut it down.  She had to keep going now that she was out here.  She had to believe.

‘C’mon, princess, let’s get moving,’ her father encouraged, and she fell into step beside him as he picked his way down the bank, driving his heel into the skull of a bodiless walker that snapped its jaws at him.  ‘Sooner we get away from the stench of these fuckers, the better.’

 

* * *

 

The silence returned.  They moved slowly, scanning the ground for any sign of prints, traces of blood, anything that might indicate that someone had passed through, injured and struggling to make it home.  There was nothing.  Just the sound of their breaths and the occasional rustle of wildlife in the bushes, and the water rippling as shoals of fish swam by.  It was peaceful and yet eerie and disturbing given their mission, and with every hour that passed her limbs grew heavier and her optimism ebbed.

As the afternoon rolled around and the sun crossed the sky above them, they eventually stopped for a rest, folding their bodies down onto the grass and sipping from their water bottles.  It was then that Jess’ father broke the silence again.

‘Tell me about him.’

‘About who?  Rick?’  He nodded.  ‘Why?  You hate him.’

‘I don’t hate him.’

‘You don’t like him,’ she argued.  ‘You blame him for tearing down everything you’d built. You’ve never really forgiven him for that.’

‘You really believe that?’  Negan’s eyes had narrowed and guilt niggled at Jess’ conscience, forcing her to keep her mouth shut as he shook his head.  ‘Shit, Jess, I don’t blame the guy, not really.  Not anymore.  Yeah, he brought down what I thought the Sanctuary could be, and he was a giant pain in my ass for a long, long time.  But it’s been a couple of years and I’d like to think I’ve grown.  The Sanctuary’s doing well.  Hell, all the communities are.  And I can see he makes you happy.  Plus, between you and him you gave me that cute little granddaughter of mine, and she means more to me than the new world order ever did.  Now, I’m not gonna pretend we’re ever gonna be best friends because I know you’re not stupid enough to buy that bullshit.  But do I like the guy?  Sure, I do.  Because you do.’

He reached for her hand, squeezing it tightly, and Jess found that she was too emotional to talk, so instead she just nodded.

‘So, tell me.  Tell me about the man you love.’

And she did.  She told him how Rick had walked the streets with her each and every day when she’d first moved to Alexandria, holding her hand, introducing her to her new neighbours, as he tried to remove the suspicion that her family bonds invoked.  She told him how he’d scoured the state for the ingredients for s'mores because they had been her inconvenient pregnancy craving, and how, when he’d come up with the goods, he’d sat with her in front of the fire, waiting for the chocolate and marshmallow to melt, and refused to eat a single bite himself and deprive her of her treat.  She told him how Rick had been at her side through every second of her labour, even when it rolled on for hours, and how he now had little crescent scars across the back of his hand where her nails had dug into his skin.  She told him about the look on his face when he’d held Elliot for the first time, and how she thought she’d never ever seen true and immediate love like that, before or since.  She told him how, whenever Rick had to go away, which was more and more just recently, he’d return home with a bunch of wildflowers that he’d picked at the side of the road, and they’d dance in the living room when the kids went to bed, to the one song that didn’t skip on the one record they had that wasn’t scratched.  

They were just stories, meaningless really without the ability to describe the feelings that each had every one had elicited, but it made her feel better to talk about him, to open up and explain exactly why she was in love with Rick Grimes, and Negan listened intently, a small smile dimpling his cheeks.

‘Sounds like a pretty good life,’ he observed when she’d finished, and she nodded.  ‘Sweetheart, y’know, some people don’t ever get to have a love like that, not ever.  I did.  I was lucky.  I had your mom and I loved her more than I ever thought possible, even if I was a dick to her at times.  But she’s gone now and I just have to remind myself how lucky I was to have had that at all.  And how damn lucky I am because I still have you as a reminder of just how much we did love each other.’

‘Are you saying I should do the same?’

‘I’m saying that you have a little girl at home wondering where her mom is.  And that little girl is a part of Rick, just as much as she’s a part of you.’

‘But I heard his voice, Dad,’ Jess pleaded, despite knowing that he was right, that it was time to head back.  ‘You heard it too.  It was him, I know it was.’

‘I heard a voice,’ Negan agreed.  ‘A male voice, sure.  But there was too much interference on that line to be able to tell who the hell it was, doll.  It could’ve been anybody.  It might have been somebody from a community we don’t even know about yet.  These radiowaves and whatnot get messed up and crossed over sometimes, right?  We don’t know it was him.’

‘I’m not ready to give up.’

‘Then we won’t.’  He stood, taking his daughter’s hand and hauling her to her feet.  ‘I swear to you, I will come out here with you every day until you feel like you can be sure that he’s really gone, okay?  I love you and I’ll do that for you.  But you have to do something for me too.’

Jess nodded.  ‘Of course.’

‘You have to make sure you’re back home in time to tuck your little girl into bed every night and tell her how much you love her, because that’s how you’re gonna get through this, sweetheart.  Hold on to her.  She’s your tie to him now.’


	3. Chapter 3

‘I think I want to go on the run today.’

Carl glanced up from his seat at the table, a forkful of scrambled eggs hovering halfway between his plate and his mouth.  His gaze flicked from Jess to Negan who sat opposite, but the older man only shrugged and took a sip of his coffee.  Beside him, Judith flipped through a book, spread open on the checked tablecloth, and Elliot banged her spoon against her highchair, wide eyes fixed on her mother.

‘Okay.’  He set down his fork, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table.  ‘Why?  I mean, you’ve never shown an interest in doing anything like that before.’

‘Honestly, I want to pull my weight.’  Jess sighed.  ‘People around here don’t like me, Carl. They pretty much only tolerated me for your… for your Dad, and now he’s gone.  I don’t want them to think that I’m not contributing, y’know?  I want to be able to help.’

‘It’s dangerous out there, Jess.  Isn’t that what you keep telling me?’

‘I know, but it’s nothing I haven’t done before.  I used to go out on runs with the Saviors every once in a while, right, Dad?  And all those days we went out there looking for Rick…  I can do this.  I know I can.’

Three months.  It had been three months since Rick had died, or disappeared, and for two and a half of them Jess and Negan had headed out to search every day, walking for miles, dodging herds of corpses in their quest to track down the father of her child.  She’d kept her promise, ensuring that she made it home most evenings to tuck her daughter into bed, even if it meant leaving in the early hours of the morning when the world was still smothered in darkness, but eventually it had become too much.  The search proved fruitless, not so much as a hint of his presence to be found, and Elliot was changing, growing so fast, and she was missing it all.  And so it had been with a nagging ache in her heart that she finally decided it was time to let go.

Life had gone on.  Negan had stayed.  Carl picked himself up and kept going in the way that the young found it so much easier to do, and he helped out with his sisters, always reliable, especially on the days when Jess felt like it was all too much.  Their routine propelled them onwards, forcing time to keep ticking slowly by, and, outside of their home, Rick had gradually been replaced.  Michonne had stepped up, accepting the mantle of leader with grace, and the others followed her now as they had followed him.  It felt strange to Jess, unnatural, but she knew that the change had to be accepted.  The community needed someone to lead them, and Michonne was as good as any.  Only Daryl, it seemed, still carried any sort of hope for the sheriff’s safe return.  He was still out there, somewhere, as far as Jess knew, searching, scouring the Virginia countryside for any sign of his friend, his brother, and she wished him well.  But she also knew that to wait for news was to teeter on the brink of insanity.

‘You’re sure you’re ready for this, sweetheart?’ Negan spoke up, fixing his daughter with a pointed look.  ‘It’s only been a couple of weeks since you decided you wanted to stay home with the little one.   Doesn’t make much sense to up and leave her again now.’

‘I need to do something, Dad,’ Jess insisted.  ‘I’m not him, y’know, I can’t lead, but I can do this.  I don’t want to feel like the grieving widow that everybody feels they have to support.  I don’t want to be a burden.’

‘You’re not,’ Carl argued.  ‘You’re Elliot’s mom and she’s Dad’s too.  And you’re looking out for me and Judith.  Nobody sees you that way, not anymore.  You’re our family.’

It was a sweet thing for him to say, and Jess knew that, for him at least, that was true, but there were others who still regarded her with suspicion.  ‘Look, I’m not talking about heading out alone and combing the state, I promise.  I literally just want to offer my help. I’ll go out with one of the groups and we’ll be back before dark.  The others have pretty much got this down now.  Minimal risk, I swear.’

She wasn’t sure when the roles had reversed, when she’d begun to feel like she had to ask Carl for permission to do anything, but she was waiting now with bated breath as he exchanged another glance with her father.  Probably whilst she’d been falling apart and shirking her responsibilities as a mother and relying on him to hold everything together. So, it was a relief when he finally nodded.

‘Alright, if that’s what you wanna do.  I’ll watch the girls.’

‘Dad?’

‘I’ve gotta check in back home.  I was gonna leave soon, but I can stay if-‘

‘No, go,’ Jess assured him.  ‘We’ll be fine.  I won’t be late and, like Carl said, he’s happy to babysit.  You’re coming back though, right?’

‘Day after tomorrow,’ he confirmed.  ‘I promised I’d stay as long as you need me, and I meant it.’

‘Good.’  She stooped to hoist the pack that she’d stowed out of sight in the living room onto her shoulder, before crossing the kitchen to press a kiss to the top of Elliot’s head.  ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘Stay safe,’ Negan called as she left, but the door had already clicked shut behind her and she was gone.

 

* * *

 

It felt good to be outside of the fences.  One thing Jess has valued when out searching with her dad was the sense of freedom that came from having the open road stretched out before them, and that feeling returned tenfold as they ventured towards a small town to the west.  Rosita was leading the group, and Jess was aware of wary eyes on her at all times, curious sideways glances, but she ignored them, allowing the horse she rode a longer rein so it could stride out freely, keeping to the front, eager to reach their destination.  A large warehouse stood on the far side of the town and, up till now, it had been completely surrounded by corpses, milling about, rendering the building practically impenetrable, but a week ago speakers had been set up along the road that snaked away from the yard where they gathered, the noise drawing them in and herding them onwards like sheep, leaving the area free for a hit.  Jess had been told the plan through gritted teeth, and now, as Rosita drew level with her, she offered an olive branch.

‘It’s smart, what you did with the speakers.  That your idea?’

‘Eugene’s.’

‘Oh, well, it’s resourceful.  Moving the herd on, opening up the entrance… You guys are good at this stuff.’

‘Well, it’s easier now,’ she conceded, stiffly, keeping her gaze trained on the path they followed.  ‘You guys had a ton of speakers and stuff stashed at one of your storage units.’

‘Yeah, Dad always wanted to keep everything.  Said you’d never know when things would come in handy.  I guess he was right.’

Rosita sniffed.  ‘He still staying with you?’

‘Yeah.  He’s headed back to the Sanctuary for a couple of nights just to check everything’s okay with his people, but then he’ll be back.’

‘You know that none of us want him around.’

Jess felt her hackles rise, but she rose above it, focusing on the gentle rocking motion of the horse’s movements as they crested a hill and started down the other side.  ‘I want him around.  I need him right now.  With Rick gone…’

‘We all miss him.’

‘I know.’  She sighed.  ‘Sometimes I think I was so lucky to find him, to love him, even if it wasn’t for as long as I would’ve liked.  You know, he gave me so much.  He changed my life.  But then sometimes, when I wake up in the middle of the night and I forget, just for a second, and I reach for him and he’s not there, I think maybe it would have been better not to have had him at all, because now he’s gone…  It hurts so much I feel like I can’t breathe.’  Tears pooled in her eyes, and she turned her head away, unwilling to show her vulnerability so openly.

‘You know, when he first brought you back with him, we all thought he’d lost his mind.  We thought that you were a spy for Negan and that you were going to be our downfall when the battle started.’

‘It was never like that.’

‘We know that now.’

‘Why now?’

‘Because you wouldn’t stop looking.’  Rosita shot Jess a reluctant smile, and Jess returned it with a nod.  ‘You must’ve loved him or you would have given up almost straight away, but you kept going out there.  That meant a lot to people.  It meant a lot to me.’

 

* * *

 

That first run had been uneventful.  Luring the undead away had worked like a charm and the group had been in and out quickly, loaded up with tinned food and grains.  They’d been back to hit it twice since then, and each time come away with enough supplies to replenish their stocks and more to spare.  And, when its resources dwindled, they moved on, searching for new targets and planning their raids.  Jess found that she enjoyed being part of the team, having an identity and purpose beyond being Rick’s partner or Elliot’s mom, and she relished the challenges that the supply runs posed. More than that, she found that she was accepted at last, viewed without suspicion as somebody with something to offer.  It went some small way to fixing the hole in her heart that Rick had left.

‘You with us, Jess?’

Her head snapped up at the sound of Aaron’s voice and she nodded, shaking the thoughts from her mind so that she could focus on the moment.  They were at the border of another town, further north than they’d ventured previously, though to her they were all beginning to look the same.  It hadn’t been a part of the plan to stop here.  They’d already raided their target for the day, coming up disappointingly empty-handed, and had stumbled across this place on their way home, with three large factories lining the main street, each with the names of well-known food brands plastered across the front. Corpses milled the crossroads that they could see from where they gathered, though nothing that they couldn’t handle and the decision had been made that they’d make a spontaneous hit in the hopes that they’d have something to offer up when they returned home.

‘Alright, you know what you’re doing?’

She nodded again.  They were going in on foot, leaving the horses strung up out of sight, and she tugged her knife from her belt, holding it ready as she waited for the order to move.  It was instinctive now, and, when the order came, she crept forward, sticking with her team, hugging the edges of the buildings and cloaking herself in shadow wherever possible.  Several walkers took notice of them, stumbling towards them with gaping jaws, rotting arms outstretched, but they took them down easily, moving as one to protect themselves with minimal noise or disruption.  One street cleared, she moved ahead, dropping into a low crouch at the corner and peering around, motioning for the others to wait.

The sight that met her eyes was a forest of legs.  Her nose almost brushed against the knee of the body nearest her, the joint bent at a strange angle, likely broken, and she lifted her head, gazing up into yellowed eyes.

‘Shit.’

The corpse lurched towards her as she scrambled backwards, collapsing on to her and drawing a startled shriek from her lungs as its putrid stench overwhelmed her.  The sharp snap of its teeth as it went for her throat made her cringe and her knife clattered to the ground as she fought to fend it off.  Behind it came more, and the group leapt into action around her, striking out, fighting through.  Planting her hand against the wall, she pushed off from it, using the momentum to roll the corpse under her, reaching for her weapon and plunging it into the monster’s skull.  Blood spurted over her fingers but she couldn’t think about that, couldn’t consider wiping it off as, instantly, more were upon her.

She did the only thing she could do.  She pushed herself to her feet and ran.  If she could draw some of the herd away, if they followed her, it would mean less for the others to fight, and maybe, just maybe, they’d make it to her before she got ripped apart.  Her heart pounded in her ears as she flew along the street, feet skidding on the loose dust as she rounded one corner, then another.  She could hear the shouts of the other team now, drawing nearer, but when they finally came into view, they too were surrounded.  Cursing, she flung herself against the door of the nearest building, an old store with a cracked window, boarded up from the inside.  It opened easily, and she darted into the dark recesses, slamming it shut behind her.  She felt the creatures crash into the other side, and she pressed her back against it, hoping and praying that it would hold, but already she could feel the wood giving way.

‘Quick!  Up here!’

For a split second, Jess thought the voice had been in her head, but as her eyes adjusted, she realised that she was at the bottom of a staircase, and that a lone figure was watching her from the top.

‘C’mon, they’re gonna take that door down any second.  Run!’

She did.  Abandoning her attempts to bar their entry, she threw her body up the stairs, taking them two at a time until she burst into the room at the top, squinting as sunlight flooded in through the high windows set into the far wall.  Her pulse was racing and her lungs burned, and she bent double, trying to catch her breath, vaguely aware of a door clicking closed behind her and the sound of metal scraping against the wooden floorboards as a heavy shelving unit was pushed across in front of it, barricading them in.

‘Thank you,’ she whispered, her voice ragged and hoarse.  ‘Oh God, thank you.  I thought I was a goner for a minute there.’

‘You nearly were.’

Now that she had time to process it, to really listen, Jess’ heart faltered at the familiar drawl.  She span round to face her rescuer, and the air left her body in a startled gasp.

‘Rick?’

His eyes widened at the sight of her, and for a moment, time seemed to freeze.  He looked awful.  His hair was long, his beard shot through with grey, and there were dark circles under his eyes that told of far too many sleepless nights.  He’d lost weight, his cheeks sunken, his clothes hanging loose, and, when he took a step forward, it was with a pronounced limp.

‘Jess?  God, is it… Is it really you?’

‘It’s me.  Rick, it’s me.  I… I can’t… What are you doing here?’  She didn’t wait for an answer.  It was all too much and choked sobs racked her body as she fell into his arms, wrapping her own around him and holding him tight.  The time apart fell away as he cradled her to him, grunting slightly when she squeezed his waist, and then his mouth was seeking hers, kissing her until her head spun and she forgot where they were and what threat lay just the other side of the door.  ‘What you doing here, Rick?’ she asked again when they broke apart.  ‘Where the hell have you been?  We’ve been looking all over for you.  Daryl, he- he came to me and told me about what happened at the bridge.  Everyone thought you were dead!  They kept telling me you were dead, and I- I couldn’t… I didn’t want to believe them.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured, reaching up to brush the hair back from her tear-streaked face. ‘I’m so sorry.  Things have been… Crazy.  I was trying to make it back to you but I got turned around and ended up here.  God, I’m so sorry.’

‘What the hell happened?’

He was grimacing, she noticed, clutching his side, and he ducked his head, gesturing towards a spot on the floor beneath the window.  ‘C-can we sit?’

Another grunt escaped him as he lowered himself down, and Jess settled herself beside, hand clutching his, unwilling to let him go again in case he should disappear.  ‘Tell me.’

‘I had to blow the bridge, Jess.  I didn’t have a choice.  If I hadn’t, that herd would’ve reached Alexandria and they’d have razed it to the ground, and I knew you were there, and the kids.  I couldn’t let that happen.’

‘I know, baby.’

‘After, I woke up a few miles down river.  I was hurt.  I came off my horse before and I was bleeding bad, and then the blast…  I couldn’t walk.  The radios were down.  I had to hole up, strap up my knee, regain my strength.  But I was coming back to you, I was.’

‘So, how did you end up here?’

‘Well, I started walking.  I had to turn around a couple of times to avoid another herd that was coming through, a smaller one.  And then… Everything gets a little fuzzy.  I remember burning up, and being sick at one point, and then, the next thing I knew, I woke up at a gas station and didn’t have a damn clue where I was.’

‘God, Rick.’

‘I think this must’ve got infected.’  He leaned away from her, hitching his t-shirt up to reveal a dirty dressing taped just below his ribs.  ‘I must’ve been delirious and, when my body fought it off, I didn’t know how to get home.  I tried, I did.  I put out a call hoping the comms might be back up but then my radio died.  And then I found this place, and I thought I might be able to scavenge some food or painkillers, but it was crawling with walkers, and I couldn’t fight them off alone, not like this.  So, I just… hid.  I’ve been here nearly three weeks.’

She didn’t know what to say.  She couldn’t even imagine what it was that he’d been through, so she pulled him close to her again, resting her head on his shoulder and letting her eyes flicker closed so she could breathe him in.  It felt like a dream, having him back by her side, and she desperately wanted to lose herself in him, to touch him, to taste him, to reassure herself over and over that he was okay.  But he was in no fit state, and there were still corpses scratching at the door.

‘We have to get you out of here.’

‘How many of you are there?’ he asked, easing himself back to his feet at the same time Jess  did, and following her gaze out of the window, where the street was littered with bodies.

‘Enough.  I was trying thin the herd a little, lead some of the biters away to give the others some space.  They should catch up with me, eventually.  I hope.’

‘Looks quiet out there.’

It did, and when there were sounds of a scuffle from the staircase a few moments later, she hurried to the door.  ‘Aaron?  Rosita?’

‘It’s us.  Open up.’

‘Help me with this.’  Together, she and Rick shunted the shelving unit out of the way, and the door swung open, revealing Rosita, her skin slick with blood and sweat, hair clinging to her neck.

‘Hey, are you okay?  Aaron said he saw you take off this way and…’  She tailed off as her eyes landed on Rick, and her jaw dropped.  ‘No.  No way.  You’ve been here, this whole time?’

‘It’s a long story.’

‘You look like shit.’

‘Rosita!’ Jess scolded her, but Rick only laughed, stepping forward to wrap an arm around his comrade.

‘What?  He does.’  She cocked her head to one side, regarding you both with an affectionate smile.  ‘So, what do you say?  Ready to ditch this joint and head home?’

‘More than ready.’

She turned, and they followed her down the stairs, hand in hand, slowed by Rick’s limp and the pain he was obviously still suffering.  But Jess didn’t mind.  She’d have crawled back to the horses if he meant that he would be with her, and though the others greeted him with enthusiasm, they were quick to back off, allowing the couple their space.

‘How’re the kids?  They doing okay?’

‘They’re fine.  They’re  great.  Elliot’s getting so big, and Judith’s reading’s coming on. Dad’s been teaching her.’

‘He has?’

‘Uh huh.  He’s been staying with us since you’ve been… Since you’ve been gone.  I needed… I just needed someone to take control, I guess.’

‘Well, I’ll have to thank him when we get back.’

Jess smirked.  ‘Yeah, I can see that happening.  You know, he came out with me to look for you.  Every single day for two and a half months.  Carl watched the girls and me and Dad went out searching.’

‘I’m sorry I put you through that.’

‘We’ve got you back now.  That’s all that matters.’

She nuzzled into his side, snaking an arm around him as they left the town behind and made for the horses.  In a few hours they’d be home and, as the sun sank lower in the sky, a ball of excitement grew in Jess’ stomach.  She’d take him to the doctor, get him cleaned up and have his wound seen to.  And then she’d take him home.  He’d hug his son, and Carl would grin and tell him that he’d known all along that he wasn’t really gone.  He’d pick Judy up and swing her around until she squealed.  He’d take Elliot from Jess’ arms and cover her in kisses until her cheeks were red from the scrape of his scruff.  And then, when the kids had finally gone to bed, it would just be the two of them, and they could take their time to get to know each other again, to heal all of the hurt and to remember exactly what it meant to love someone so completely.

But for now, as she swung herself up behind Rick and he kicked the horse into motion, all she could do was hold on tight.  He’d come back to her, he really had.  It had been his voice she’d heard on the radio, and her faith hadn’t been misplaced at all.  Rick Grimes was a survivor.  Her survivor.  And she’d found him at last.


End file.
